Okay you guys, you can now throw your tomatoes at me. I am prepared.
I think I'm tired of apologizing to you guys...and I understand if you'll never forgive me for going MIA again on you, especially when I have commissions on line. /sobs/
I went through some horrible emotional block...and even gave up the thought of drawing anything at all. When I started to report to my new job, I didn't bring any pencil and sketch book at all. And that means a lot to me. My pencil cases and sketch pads were kept in my cabinet, left to collect dusts. I accepted my fate that I won't become an artist I wanted to be, the person I wanted to be. I think the demise of my laptop crushed what little hope I have to be an artist. I've already been going through a rough patch that time, I gave up on my job as an accountant, I was scared of my family thinking what a useless person I am for doing so. I want to study art so bad but I can't because I don't have funds. I want a steady job with good compensation so I could maybe, save enough to get into art schools. But I am terrified of time, eating away opportunities for growth. My art isn't improving at all, and I keep disappointing myself for delaying commissions and not liking any of my works. I keep hating and loving the same thing. It is terrible. When I started drawing again late last year, I was only able to return here because I joined a particular website to maybe recuperate my battered and beaten soul. I've only participated once and I guess it helped temporarily, I was indeed able to draw again and deluded myself into believing I fell in love with art; that I love myself. But just a small trial and I plummeted back to my personal hell.
I probably sound like I was overreacting, that I'm too simple-minded to be this lonely about my laptop or something, but I would like to believe that it was just a small trigger. Truth is, it felt like art and being an artist was not for me anymore. 'Cause just when I was about to draw again, my platform crumbled on me. I got a job offer, and though I wanted it before I wasn't so sure about what path to take anymore. I thought those were signs telling me to give up, stop picking up your tools, you're not meant for it. And I got swayed. I left.
This week marked my 3rd month in my new job. It isn't related to my degree. But I like its noble advocacy (for as much noble it can be in a corrupt country). I am sure I cannot get back to the life I used to have in deviantart. But I want you to know, whoever is reading this, that reading those little comments, finding notes of someone checking up on my well-being is helping me a lot to recovery. Because in a family wherein you'll be mocked for being in pain emotionally, hearing your supportive words is refreshing and healing. I couldn't thank you enough. (I already feel like crying, lol.)
I am sorry for only returning today, I am ashamed, and I don't know how to face you guys. Virtually or not. I might get flames here, or I might receive your tight hugs and kisses, and I'll embrace them with all my heart. However, I might not be able to respond to them properly, 'cause I'm awkward and I don't really know how.
I have posted this risking that my relatives could just go visit this and shit might hit the fan, but that's a problem for another day. (I'm procrastinating again). It just felt good letting it out, it might not be all but at least something got off my chest. My struggles might to be little compared to others and still I AM VERY SORRY FOR EVERYTHING AND ESPECIALLY FOR PUTTING MYSELF LIKE THIS. One day I'll able to forgive myself too. I'll cross my fingers to that.
I am sorry for putting something like this in my journal, I know some deviants see this as place for sharing and updating stuffs only related to arts, but I must properly let those who might have been worrying or thinking about me know what I went through.
Several weeks ago, my other sister won't stop teasing me good naturedly that I am committing sins to God, and I shouldn't. He had given me the talent to draw, and I must use it, cultivate and explore it. Draw! My sister told me. Both of us are not that religious but that really knocked some sense into me, so I tried. I will try, for you and especially for myself (because we all are gifts, and we deserve to treated as something precious).
If you have read and reached through here, you have my deepest gratitude.
To see art updates, please visit my FB page or my Instagram account, you don't have to like/follow it if you don't want to. But if you are a commissioner, I would suggest you do, 'cause I post my commission updates/ art WIPs there.
IG: jeeeztin (I'm a newbie there so I don't know how to properly share my account)